It’s like an addictive drug in which one becomes hooked on the free site and eventually pays subscription fees in an effort to see the better stuff in the Members Only portals. Ironically, that’s how I came to Lit. I enjoyed the stories that I could see for free and wondered what the members were getting. I didn’t have to pay to come here, of course, but the principle holds that I was looking for something more to feed my addiction. I have chatted with scores of persons in the nearly two years that I’ve been here, and I have asked many of them about their reasons for being here. Of course, some of the answers that I have received have led me to wonder why they have remained in their marriages, but that is material for further contemplation and, perhaps, another essay. Generally though, the persons whom I have spoken with are here for four reasons: * Boredom/Needing excitement * Revenge cheating * Mutual masturbation * Lonely/Needing to connect with humanity – needing to be loved You. A recipe for disaster and you can trust me on that. It’s now 20 years later and I am still with my wife. I used to tell people, and myself, ‘look how long we have been together’, it must be true love. True Love, I don’t even know if it exists for me any more. I know it did once, once upon a time, in a galaxy far, far away. But now, all I have is a life I sentenced myself to because I was going to be responsible for the children I brought into this world. I am a Father and I am a Dad. I wanted to be part of their lives and not at the edge but the center as it should be. So I stayed. I sometimes wonder about this decision. Was it worth it? I am now turning 50 years old and my life is normal from an external viewpoint but internally, inside me? I am a mess. I need some tenderness and understanding and physical contact. Touching, cuddling and so forth. These are things that I desperately need and I am not getting. To feel a woman’s soft body snuggle into mine as I wrap my arms around her.
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